Coffee and Crappy Cafés

Until a few years ago, fancy coffee shops in this city were places of magic. I'd see the lovely lighting, the bright colours and the comfy looking chairs, and think while passing by, "I have to go there some day". Going to a cafe was a special treat, and it only happened once in a blue moon.

I'd look at the menu and marvel at the wide range of things to choose from. After reading through the menu carefully, I'd choose something with lots of (then fascinating) fluff like ice cream, chocolate sauce, whipped cream, sprinkles, etc. Ice was a bonus. The more ice a coffee drink had, the happier I would be.

Then I woke up.

When you're little, being allowed to drink even a small amount of coffee is a privilege. What the fancy cafes do is take that little spoon of coffee, dunk it into watery milk where it gets completely lost but manages to remind you of its existence through a hint of brown, and maybe throw in some ice and trimmings, depending on what you want. For a novice coffee drinker, this is great: so much coffee plus other stuff.

But (hopefully) you soon grow out of that stage. These days, when I go to coffee shops, the only thing I order is espresso (though I still can't help reading the whole menu before ordering) because one can't go wrong with plain coffee decoction, right?
Wrong.
Thankfully, this doesn't happen as often as it used to, but I still have such conversations with waiters:
"One espresso please"
"Expresso??"
"Er... yes."
"It's black!"
"I know."
"No milk and sugar."
"I know!!!!"
*Waiter gives me a strange look and walks off*

So of course my coffee has to arrive after everyone else is almost halfway through those sweet milky concoctions (so it's obviously not expresso). My coffee shows up... or does it?

My coffee cup is already small, yet I need to peer into it to find some watery liquid floating at the bottom. How is that fair? Do I even need to mention that it's not espresso but its weaker sibling instead?

Since I'm already on the subject, here's another thing about coffee shops that annoy me: the microwaving. Now I don't care what people say about harmful radiation and everything, but I do care about ordering a chocolatey cake and getting this:

Yes, it has actually happened to me. Shame!

For me, most coffee shops have simply turned into convenient meeting spots, or places where one can aimlessly hang around if one has nothing better to do. One good thing is that many of these places now have free WiFi, so if they're cheating you on the coffee, exploit their bandwidth as much as you can! If they take too long to bring you your order, just make sure you download lots of stuff while waiting (and until you leave).

Someday I shall open an awesome cafe (nah, I won't, but I like thinking I will) where one can get actual espresso and fresh non-soggy food at reasonable prices, and where the coffees with milk and other unnecessary things will be so good that even I will like them. Maybe. Either way, I'm happy I saw some sense and went back to black (coffee, I mean).