Sad Truths I Learnt from Dilwale

It's been over a week since I watched Dilwale, but it still haunts me every now and then, so I wanted to write about things it did wrong before realizing that that would come down to just one word: everything. Wouldn't make for much of a post. The other alternative was taking apart the whole movie bit by bit, but that's really not an option unless you're willing to entirely lose your sanity.

Over the years, I've watched a lot of terrible movies, and I've actually enjoyed some of them. I generally like Bollywood and have been blessed with the power of switching my brain off while watching trash, so I can usually sit through almost anything, Also, I love SRK and Kajol, so while I wasn't expecting this to be a good film, I assumed I could manage to enjoy it. How hard could it be?

I have to say, it exceeded my expectations. After a few minutes of cringing and eye-rolling at the very beginning, I realized it was one of those movies that you can't even make fun of because it's just not worth it.
So I decided to look at it as a sad reflection of our lives these days.


Bollywood songs

Just ONE song that's reasonably good or catchy or memorable in some way is something that even the worst of movies (and "artists" - I'm looking at you, Yo-Yo Honey Singh) manage to include in their repertoire. When you think of Bollywood, you tend to think of music as an integral element in a film.

A lot of movies whose names people forgot even before they were released contained songs that have remained popular for a long time. Take Waisa Bhi Hota Hai Part 2. What's that, you ask? The movie which, apart from being a standalone film and not the second part of a series despite its name, gave us Allah Ke Bande. As a 90s kid, the other examples that immediately come to mind are Chamma Chamma (from China Gate), Choodi Jo Khanke Haathon Mein (Pyaar Koi Khel Nahin), Musu Musu Haasi (Pyaar Mein Kabhi Kabhi), and of course Bin Tere Sanam (Yara Dildara).

Other good-but-unpopular/generally terrible movies you might just remember as having briefly existed if you played one or two songs from the soundtrack.

     

 

   

    

    

    

I don't listen to too many film songs these days, but there's Ek Tha Villain which gave us Galliyaan and Fukrey which, apart from being a really strange sounding word, is the movie that the lovely Ambarsariya is from.

Sorry for getting carried away and rambling on like a Sanjay Leela Bhansali film. My point is, even before we started having films that were serious and intense and (supposedly) better than their frivolous counterparts, we had great soundtracks.
Unfortunately, Dilwale makes a strong case for people who think songs in movies are annoying and unnecessary. If it's boring or contributes absolutely nothing to the movie (or in this case, both) it shouldn't be allotted exclusive movie time.


Copyright infringement?

I thought passing off other people's stuff as one's original work in Bollywood was mostly restricted to the music industry, specifically Anu Malik. But apparently we're lifting entire scenes now, and not necessarily the ones that are legen-waitforit...
Also, people who are clearly not over How I Met Your Mother yet, please move on.


Badass girls are not so badass after all

Kajol's character started off as dumb and annoying, but I thought she was awesome as a mafia heiress when she wasn't pretending to be dumb and annoying. But woe and behold, a few more minutes into the movie and she'd turned into some sappy woman with half a brain.
I have nothing to say about the plank of wood that was her sister. The only reason I even remember her name is because of the repetitive attempt to make people laugh at "Ishu, yeh toh bahut bada issue ho gaya".


Heroines must have painted faces

Especially if they're not white enough. Why else would they take someone with a face like Kajol's and make her look like a mime artist?

I swear she looks a lot like this.

I'd understand if the movie was made in the 90s because back then, that's the kind of makeup they used on poor little children like us during school shows. Funnily enough, 90s makeup on the DDLJ cast didn't look so bad. At least they looked natural, if nothing else.


Movie colours must match heroine's painted face.

Yes, people enhance colours in many of their pictures, but you'd think a big budget movie for mass consumption would show some restraint instead of just throwing together every single colour that exists.
The garish scenes might be due to the fact that a large part of the film is shot in Goa. I know it's stupid to be offended by this excessiveness when every other thing about the movie is offensive, but Goa is really pretty, unlike the tacky mess Dilwale shows us.


Varun Dhawan is about as smart as the character he plays

His character is generally clueless about everything, and now everyone knows VD is equally clueless about movies.

Um... no. Also, whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?

Anything is fine if you do it for family, apparently

Johnny Lever is caught stealing, and when he says he's doing it because he has a brother to look after, SRK, instead of chastising him for setting a bad example, is all like:

The adoption problem

Here's the gist of conversations that lead to a supposedly big tragedy in the film:
Kajol: Your brother is adopted.

VD: What crap! You're lying.

Kajol: I'm not, dumbass. Go ask him.

VD (to SRK): Are you adopted?

SRK: Yes.

VD: *Oh no! I feel so betrayed. I'm going to sit here and cry*

What's the problem, VD? If he's your natural brother, he's bound by the movie's family code to look after you. If he's adopted and has looked after you like you're family instead of ditching you for being a moron, shouldn't that make you happy?
Oh, sorry, I forgot you're not very smart.

Yay Karan Johar?

Dilwale reminds you that all those SRK-Karan Johar movies you made fun of were, in comparison, pretty awesome. I mean, you could laugh with/at Kuch Kuch Hota Hai despite the irritating and heavily flawed system upon which it was based.

Should I have put in spoiler alerts? Oh well, here's the only one that's important, in case you don't know it already: Dilwale is a disaster.

Let's hope the new year will have fewer bad movies that are so hyped.

No Nos.

Phones are helpful when you need to check the time, but when I'm at home, I still rely on the wall clock. Whose dial started falling apart a couple of weeks ago. Soon, part of it was torn and hanging off the surface, which made all three hands stop at that point even though the battery was still working.

So when I took the dial off, I decided to replace it with something slightly more creative than the regular digits on a clock. Not that I didn't have more pressing work to do, but drawing on a wall clock is probably the next best thing to drawing on a wall, and who doesn't want to do that? Also, I'm surprisingly focused with stuff like this, especially when there are more important things to be done. Anyway, this is what it looks like now.

Most of it is easy to figure out, but I do tend to have outlandish ideas sometimes, so maybe this might make more sense with an explanation. Not that anyone really needs to know what my clock looks like, but it's another of my attempts to "make good art", so here goes:



1. Unicorn (or unihorn, as I like to call it)

Simple enough to understand, I'm sure. Unicorn = one horn. Could have used a rhino if I'd wanted it to be more representative of where I come from, but anyway...
Also, unicorns are unique. One of a kind.

2. Yin and Yang

Also pretty obvious, the two main balancing forces of the universe and all that jazz.

3. The Fates

There's the one who spins the thread, the one who measures it, and the one who cuts, so here's the spindle, a measuring tape, and scissors. And the thread of life, of course.

4. Seasons of Love

A combination of two things that come in fours: seasons - summer (sun), spring (leaf), monsoon (water drops. Maybe a dry leaf if you're from a place with autumn instead), and winter (snowflakes. We don't have snow - or proper winter, really - in most parts of the country, but I like drawing snowflakes). Also, the human heart has four chambers. Seasons + heart = awesome Rent song.

5. Pentagram = Elements

Representation of the five elements in harmony. Not sure how harmonious mine are with the pentagram being that wonky, but life isn't perfect anyway.

6. Death                                      

Most people would probably relate sixes with abs or beer or cricket, but for some reason, the only thing I could think of was how when you die, you're put six feet under. A coffin seemed too morbid to draw on a clock. It would be like an ominous voice going "Your time is up! Muhahahaha!"
I love Terry Pratchett, so Death it is. Also, this looks a lot cooler than a can of beer although the latter would have been easier to draw.

                                                                                                               

7. Music + Rainbow

Another combination: a treble clef (which isn't really a musical note, but it conveys the idea) and what appears to be blank music sheets with extra lines but is supposed to be the seven colours of the rainbow. The dial was supposed to be multicoloured. In my defence, all the colours combined give you white, so there.

8. Octopus

Pretty obvious, with the eight tentacles.

9. Cat

Nine lives. Again, simple and obvious.

10. Bowling Pins

The most boring one of the lot, in my opinion, but I couldn't think of anything else. Funny, considering how I seem to round things to the nearest ten so often while counting.
A much cooler idea would have been numbers, but the whole point of doing this was to avoid using digits.

11. Football + Movie

Eleven people on a football team, as you know. But the thing I immediately associated with "eleven" was "Ocean's", i.e. the movie. So there you have what is supposed to be an ocean wave. I'm cheesy, I know. But at least I didn't draw George Clooney.

12. Zodiac Signs

There are twelve signs in all, but I only drew the one that's generally considered the twelfth. Also, it's my sign, so I had no scruples about choosing it over the others.




Not bad for an accidental project, right? So, to paraphrase Gaiman, whenever things fall apart or there's too much stuff you don't want to do that needs to be done, (or even when everything in your life is absolutely lovely) here's the best thing you can do: make good art.
Or at least make, and hopefully it'll be art, and good.

Under Cover

Here's something important we don't seem to talk about enough: umbrellas.

If they're around when we need them, we take them for granted, and if they're not, we curse them and ourselves and the weather and anything else we can badmouth (which, when you're in a foul mood, is basically everything).  

In the hierarchy of commonly used things, the umbrella's position seems only slightly higher than that of the alarm clock (which gets cursed when it works AND when it doesn't, so I shouldn't even start on that topic). Seems rather unfair considering how useful they are to us.

Anyone who has known me in the last year or two knows I always carry an umbrella when I'm going out for a considerable amount of time using public transport. Most people would carry a foldable one which can fit into a little bag, but I choose to carry this huge unfoldable (and extremely prominent) multicoloured umbrella.

 

It's been called "Gay Umbrella" and "Rainbow Umbrella" among other things. To make things easier and avoid repetitive use of the word "umbrella", I think I'll go with "Pride". The name works in more than one way. Adding a picture of a few lions would give it another dimension, but I think I'd rather not do that.

Why do I do that? (By "that" I mean carrying Pride around, not the refusal to stick lion pictures all over it.) Well, here's why: 

1) It looks totally awesome. For all those (weird) people who hate a rainy day, if Pride doesn't cheer you up, I don't know what will.

2) It makes a wonderful walking stick (when you're my height. But you also get bigger sizes than mine)

I'm not that fancy looking, but strutting around with Pride makes me feel like I am.

3) For someone who's sensitive to bright light, it's very useful even when it isn't raining. If I don't know what the weather is like, I don't have to carry a hat and an umbrella; I can just take the Pride.

4) It gives me my personal space (literally). I've received some frowns from people who've had to move the slightest bit out of the way when it's open, but that's the point: they're not supposed to be closer than that anyway.

5) Hopefully it won't come to this, but if it does, I can use it as a weapon. I had to take it as check-in luggage on a flight because they said the sharp end could hit and injure someone (not that you necessarily need something sharp for that). Anyway, my umbrella arrived safe and sound, so nothing to complain about there.

I dread to imagine the consequences of not being nearly as quick as Jet Li, but that tea thing looks so cool I'd love to do it some time.

But of course, one can practise, thanks to all those jerks in cars who speed through puddles just so they can splash pedestrians.

6) It just occurred to me that you can also use an umbrella to hide from familiar people you don't want to run into. I've never needed to do that, but you could try it if you're really desperate to avoid someone.

I get asked quite often if it isn't a burden to carry around. Honestly, I don't think so, for all the reasons above and also because I don't carry too many things when I go out. If you do, you should probably consider leaving some stuff behind to make room for an umbrella. It's the one thing you can legally carry around which gives you all the protection you're likely to need.

PS - I can't believe I unwittingly named my umbrella in the course of writing this. I like it, though. It works at least for the purposes of this post, if nothing else.

No.

Imagination, you great jerk,

Why must you interrupt my work

And hound me to so clearly see

Things that I know can never be?

You twist my world to make me feel

And believe what’s not really real

Like making me think I can do

Stuff that I never could see through.

Wish you’d just get out of my head

And leave me to focus instead

On this life so mundane and long

With almost everything gone wrong.

Oh, please don’t let me drift away

To other worlds; I need to stay

In touch with my reality.

Please don’t tempt me with fantasy!

Imagination, I confess

You’ve got me in an awful mess,

But despite all you are, I fear

I rather like it with you here. 

True Colours

You know the world is going to the dogs when we're arguing over the appearance of the dress that we know to be blue and black. The internet will always do that to us, I suppose. I was pretty sure the white and gold angle was just a large-scale practical joke until I found out that almost all my friends see those two colours.

That dress (along with the really bad picture of it) has already received way more attention than it ever deserved. It makes me feel a little guilty to be contributing to such a pointless argument, but I do this for my friends. Okay, not really. So here are some tips for that portion of the population that sees white and/or gold:


Get your eyes checked!

Blurred vision, among several other things, might cause colours to look different.

*Maybe get a better device/software to view your pictures on

The same picture can look different if your device isn't high-resolution-friendly (whatever the technical term for that is)


*Avoid too much light

Too much light can be blinding, as I have to find out every single day. Needless to say, it makes everything look different (if you can even see with all that light, that is).


* Those two points may not necessarily help. Devices and the amount of light around you can affect the way you see things, but my friends who saw white and gold saw it at the same time as I did, in the same light and on the same device.

However, these factors will absolutely help, provided people are open and accepting:


Learn your colours

Remember Rafiki: LOOK BEYOND WHAT YOU SEE

If you've ever taken pictures on a phone, you'll know that the colours in the picture are often a little different from the original colours, but they're just a different shade of the same original colour.
So you may see tinges of Colour X (and even Y and Z) on colour A, but that doesn't change the fact that colour A is still some version of colour A.
I do see a wee bit of golden on the black, but it's perfectly obvious that it's a golden film on what is basically black.

It doesn't matter how your brain perceives colours; if you agree that the dress below is blue and black but say the one above isn't, you know you're not seeing quite right.

Just goes to show how superficial our world is, doesn't it? Maybe that's what happens when you've messed up people's heads with Fifty Shades of Grey.

Oh, and speaking of colours, happy Holi! May you have stuff thrown at you only if you want it.

It's Time (Bucket List for a Good Life)

My new year doesn’t really start until my birthday. Neither does anyone else’s, but most people don’t seem to see it like that. Anyway, after a certain age, you realize you need to start getting your act together, and in my case, that involves a rather long to-do list like this one:

1. Figure out life. Not too far ahead; just for the next couple of years or so.

2. Follow a routine. It doesn’t have to be as boring as it may sound.

 Some day, hopefully.

3. Write more. Read more. Inspire people who don't read to read.

4. Follow the news so you know what's going on in the world.

5. Send more handwritten letters.

6. Use the good stationery. Books and pencils look lovely and hold more possibilities when new, but they must be used before they disintegrate.

7. Similarly, put all the art material to good use before the paints dry up and the cockroaches attack the paper and canvas and brushes and anything else there is for cockroaches to attack (which is pretty much every damn thing).

8. Get a tattoo.

9. Learn to swim and then surf.

10. Take a solo trip.

11. Go wherever they have floating lanterns. Also, go someplace where it's snowing.

12. Learn to pirouette and/or walk on hands. Like a pro. Or, more simply, without breaking anything.

13. Practise guitar and violin and keyboard. Listen to more kinds of music. Buy more CDs on sale.

14. Practise languages so you don't forget what you've learnt before.

15. Stay completely off the computer and internet one day a week.

16. Exercise more. At least stretch and do some basic yoga. And what you remember of karate. Don’t let the nunchakus get as rusty as you. Also, run a little. Try not to loathe running with every inch of your soul.

17. Play basketball and table tennis. Try not to suck so much at badminton.

18. Relearn how to throw a Frisbee well.

19. Fly a kite. Preferably one you've made yourself.

20. Get a boomerang. Learn how to throw it properly. Well enough to use as a weapon if necessary.

21. Learn to pick locks with a hairpin. And to pick pockets, if you can find someone to teach you. (Not because I want to steal wallets but because I'm terribly impressed at how much skill it requires.)

22. Learn how to change a car tyre.

23. Wear everything in the closet.

24. Eat someplace/something new every month. Also, make something new every month. And ice cream. Definitely make ice cream.

25. Get an awesome knife and practise chopping (food, not fingers) like Jamie Oliver. (Well, I can try!)

26. Learn to make a couple of good, simple cocktails (preferably with rum).

27. Drink LOTS of water. Water used to make coffee does not count. Drink coffee in moderation.

28. Learn a few card tricks. Starting with how to shuffle cards without having them fly all about the room.

29. Take more photographs.

30. Use mind maps. If it works, graduate to a mind palace.

31. Declutter surroundings. Alternatively, organize the clutter.

32. Wear shoes the way they should be worn instead of haphazardly stuffing feet in.

33. Take better care of skin. Apply lotion regularly instead of just sniffing it. Also use body sprays before they get old.

34. Comb hair more frequently. At least once a month week.

35. Resist the urge to stroke shaved heads of random people. (Honestly, I'm too old to still be doing that without being creepy).

36. Consider the consequences of impulsively imitating weird noises. And then maybe do it anyway.

37. Wake up before noon even if you don’t need to. You can always take a nap later.

38. Sleep enough. Wasting time sleeping is way better than wasting time not sleeping.

39. Don’t make deals with shady people. Not that I ever have, but there’s always the possibility. Also, I’m addicted to Suits.

40. Don’t be too emo. Failing that, use emo-ness to your own advantage.

41. Remember birthdays and other such important stuff of important people. I usually do, but I feel like I should have this on the list because I’m getting old, and I may remember, but I may not remember to remember, you know what I mean?

42. Don’t bother being nice to people who don’t care or appreciate it.

43. Don’t be too hard on people who are naturally dumb and annoying. They probably can’t help it.

44. Finish what you start. Including spoken sentences.

45. Learn something new and interesting every day, and remember it all.

46. Keep track of even the most random ideas. Like "be a Shaolin monk".

47. Be a Shaolin monk. No, that's not something I'm actually considering. It's just that it seems really cool.

48. Don’t try so hard. Also, try harder.

49. Get inspired. Don’t stop believing. Make good art.

50. Don't die without doing something awesome, and always, always remember this: