Isn't It Ironic?

Alanis Morissette's Ironic is a song I used to love when I was younger because I used to think the lyrics were so deep and clever. That was before I learned what "ironic" really means. I've seen several instances of people voicing their annoyance of the song and its lyrics, so I decided to go one step further and break it down a little. I love pointing out other people's mistakes, and with a song like this, you're totally asking for it.

Most of the lines confuse irony with life being a bitch, and as Richard Castle says, "Ever since that Alanis Morisette song, people use it when they actually mean 'coincidence'. Drives me nuts!"
So let's begin, shall we?

An old man turned 98. He won a lottery and died the next day.

What it's really an example of: life being a bitch.

What would have been ironic: An old man turned 98 and died the same day. On his birthday. Oh wait, that's just a coincidence. Thanks for messing with my head, Alanis!

Let's try another one and keep the cash in. Old man is very sick and needs money for treatment. He wins the lottery and goes to collect his money but gets hit by a bus on the way. So he dies in his attempt to get something that would have prolonged his life. Oh, and it was on his 98th birthday. Just because.

Don't you feel worse for my old man than the one in the song? I certainly do. Also, I read somewhere that you're more likely to die on your way to buy a ticket than you are to actually win the lottery.

It's a black fly in your Chardonnay

What it's really an example of: goodness knows!

What would have been ironic: I honestly can't say because I have absolutely no clue what that's all about. Is it ironic because black flies don't usually like Chardonnay? Is Chardonnay used as a fly repellant? Rich people should try it; Alanis seems to imply it might work.
On its own, I'd interpret the line as the statement of an unfortunate incident for both the fly and the person who won't drink that stuff any more. And maybe the Chardonnay who feels tainted and wasted. But given the context, I don't know, what the hell is it supposed to mean??

Sure enough, there are images online. This one doesn't look natural at all, but you get the idea, right?

It's a death row pardon two minutes too late

What it's really an example of: life being a bitch.

What would have been ironic: The accused person's lawyer found the evidence of the victim's innocence a little too late. He was delayed because he was busy digging up the evidence to save the dude. If he hadn't spent that time trying to find the evidence, he may have been able to do something to delay the verdict. What would have saved the man ended up killing him.

Isn't it ironic, don't you think?

No. Also, that's bad grammar. It should be "It's ironic, don't you think?" or "Isn't it ironic? What do you think?"

It's like rain on your wedding day

What it's really an example of: awesomeness! Unless you're among those weird people who don't like rain, in which case it's still an example of life being a bitch.

If Gene Kelly danced in the rain, it's bound to be awesome.

Again, I don't quite get it. Do weddings only happen on days that are supposed to have dry weather with almost no humidity? Don't people get married in the tropics? There are several other questions that the ambiguity of this statement brings up: Is it raining exactly when the wedding is going on? Is it even raining in the same area? There's going to be rain somewhere no matter what day you choose for your wedding. And if it IS raining where you're getting married during your wedding, does this statement still make sense if it's an indoor wedding? So many questions.

What would have been ironic: The weather channel said it would rain and it actually did! For the sake of sticking to this context, let's say you'd planned an outdoor wedding because you naturally assumed that the weather channel was wrong as usual. However, it started pouring right after the wedding started and everybody was drenched. And if you had any sense, you danced in the rain and laughed at all the people scurrying around to get shelter.
Which brings me to another example of irony: one of your irritating relatives is in such a hurry to get out of the rain that she trips and falls, getting slathered in mud and more wet than she would have been if she'd only kept her cool.

It's a free ride and you've already paid

What it's really an example of: someone tricking you because you're not very smart. Why would you pay for a free ride?

What would have been ironic: If you're the thirteenth person to buy a ticket, you get another one free. You manage to be the one to get that free ticket. Then you realize you can only use it for that one trip and have no one with you who can use it (plus you're not nice enough to give it to that last person in line who seems like she really wants to be on that bus but won't get a ticket because they'll all be sold out when she reaches the front of the line). You also realize you wouldn't have bought that ticket if it hadn't been for the lure of the free one.
This is how many sales and offers work, so beware!

It's the good advice that you just didn't take and who would've thought it figured?

What it's really an example of: you not listening to me when I told you to be wary of those offers. In a more broad context, it's about you not listening to your mom and giving her a chance to say "I told you so".

What would have been deliciously ironic: your mom tells you not to go surfing because you might drown. You go anyway and master the moves in a couple of days. One day, you see some kid drowning and no one jumps in to save him because the sea is rough. You grumble about the pesky kid not listening to his mom and going too far into the sea but decide to save him anyway because that's what cool surfers do. Everyone loves you for being a hero and your mom is proud. You manage to not only not drown but also save someone else from drowning, and you get to say "I told you so" to your mom.

Mr. Play-it-safe was afraid to fly. He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye.
He waited his whole damn life to take that flight, and as the plane crashed down, he thought, "well, isn't this nice!"

Seems ironic, but once again, it's just life being a bitch, Just because you haven't been on a plane before doesn't mean you have a smaller chance of dying in that crash than frequent fliers. And if you've flown before, you get to add those trips to the number of times you could have died but didn't. A first timer doesn't have that to reassure himself.

What would have been ironic: Air Force pilot retired because he was done with risking his life in the air. After quitting, he took a flight back home, and that plane crashed and killed him. Say, lots of people dying in this song!

"I'm getting on that flight and going home. You coming?"

To give Alanis the benefit of the doubt, if he thought the plane crash was nice, that may just be the first example of irony in the song so far. On second thoughts, I'm not giving her the benefit of the doubt because the "well, isn't this nice?" sounds rather sarcastic.

Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you when . . . (indiscernable words) . . . everything blows up in your face.

Be more careful when you're dealing with life. And when you're discussing irony.

Traffic jam when you're already late

What it's really an example of: life being a bitch.

What would have been ironic: Everyone leaves an hour early to avoid rush hour traffic, but because they all decide to leave an hour early, they're in the middle of the jam they created. If they'd left at normal jam time, they probably wouldn't be stuck in traffic.

No Smoking sign on your cigarette break

This sounds like bad phrasing, but it might be the only example of irony in the entire song. You wouldn't expect to be told not to smoke during a cigarette break, right?

It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife

You have WAY too many spoons. Buy some goddamned knives already! And learn how to cook food instead of only eating it. I'm not even going to try and come up with a relevant situation here because this is simply ridiculous.

It's meeting the man of my dreams and then meeting his beautiful wife

Not necessarily ironic. The existence of a beautiful wife doesn't guarantee a happy ever after. One can do a number of things to get rid of the wife.

What would have been ironic: You fall in love with Barney Stinson because he seems perfect but then realize he's only a character and the actor who plays him is gay, so he'll never be yours. Plus he has an adorable family you wouldn't dream of tearing apart.

I mean, come on, just look at them!

But I have to say even that's not ironic once you realize that pretty much all guys who seem perfect are gay.

And here's my favourite example of irony: Alanis Morissette gives us a song about irony that doesn't really have anything ironic in it.
Well done, Alanis. Well done. Verbal irony, anyone?

It's ironic, don't you think?