It's been over a week since I watched Dilwale, but it still haunts me every now and then, so I wanted to write about things it did wrong before realizing that that would come down to just one word: everything. Wouldn't make for much of a post. The other alternative was taking apart the whole movie bit by bit, but that's really not an option unless you're willing to entirely lose your sanity.
Over the years, I've watched a lot of terrible movies, and I've actually enjoyed some of them. I generally like Bollywood and have been blessed with the power of switching my brain off while watching trash, so I can usually sit through almost anything, Also, I love SRK and Kajol, so while I wasn't expecting this to be a good film, I assumed I could manage to enjoy it. How hard could it be?
I have to say, it exceeded my expectations. After a few minutes of cringing and eye-rolling at the very beginning, I realized it was one of those movies that you can't even make fun of because it's just not worth it.
So I decided to look at it as a sad reflection of our lives these days.
Bollywood songs
Just ONE song that's reasonably good or catchy or memorable in some way is something that even the worst of movies (and "artists" - I'm looking at you, Yo-Yo Honey Singh) manage to include in their repertoire. When you think of Bollywood, you tend to think of music as an integral element in a film.
Other good-but-unpopular/generally terrible movies you might just remember as having briefly existed if you played one or two songs from the soundtrack.
I don't listen to too many film songs these days, but there's Ek Tha Villain which gave us Galliyaan and Fukrey which, apart from being a really strange sounding word, is the movie that the lovely Ambarsariya is from.
Sorry for getting carried away and rambling on like a Sanjay Leela Bhansali film. My point is, even before we started having films that were serious and intense and (supposedly) better than their frivolous counterparts, we had great soundtracks.
Unfortunately, Dilwale makes a strong case for people who think songs in movies are annoying and unnecessary. If it's boring or contributes absolutely nothing to the movie (or in this case, both) it shouldn't be allotted exclusive movie time.
Copyright infringement?
I thought passing off other people's stuff as one's original work in Bollywood was mostly restricted to the music industry, specifically Anu Malik. But apparently we're lifting entire scenes now, and not necessarily the ones that are legen-waitforit...
Also, people who are clearly not over How I Met Your Mother yet, please move on.
Badass girls are not so badass after all
Kajol's character started off as dumb and annoying, but I thought she was awesome as a mafia heiress when she wasn't pretending to be dumb and annoying. But woe and behold, a few more minutes into the movie and she'd turned into some sappy woman with half a brain.
I have nothing to say about the plank of wood that was her sister. The only reason I even remember her name is because of the repetitive attempt to make people laugh at "Ishu, yeh toh bahut bada issue ho gaya".
Heroines must have painted faces
Especially if they're not white enough. Why else would they take someone with a face like Kajol's and make her look like a mime artist?
I swear she looks a lot like this.
I'd understand if the movie was made in the 90s because back then, that's the kind of makeup they used on poor little children like us during school shows. Funnily enough, 90s makeup on the DDLJ cast didn't look so bad. At least they looked natural, if nothing else.
Movie colours must match heroine's painted face.
Yes, people enhance colours in many of their pictures, but you'd think a big budget movie for mass consumption would show some restraint instead of just throwing together every single colour that exists.
The garish scenes might be due to the fact that a large part of the film is shot in Goa. I know it's stupid to be offended by this excessiveness when every other thing about the movie is offensive, but Goa is really pretty, unlike the tacky mess Dilwale shows us.
Varun Dhawan is about as smart as the character he plays
His character is generally clueless about everything, and now everyone knows VD is equally clueless about movies.
Um... no. Also, whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?
Anything is fine if you do it for family, apparently
Johnny Lever is caught stealing, and when he says he's doing it because he has a brother to look after, SRK, instead of chastising him for setting a bad example, is all like:
The adoption problem
Here's the gist of conversations that lead to a supposedly big tragedy in the film:
Kajol: Your brother is adopted.
Kajol: Your brother is adopted.
VD: What crap! You're lying.
Kajol: I'm not, dumbass. Go ask him.
VD (to SRK): Are you adopted?
SRK: Yes.
VD: *Oh no! I feel so betrayed. I'm going to sit here and cry*
What's the problem, VD? If he's your natural brother, he's bound by the movie's family code to look after you. If he's adopted and has looked after you like you're family instead of ditching you for being a moron, shouldn't that make you happy?
Oh, sorry, I forgot you're not very smart.
Dilwale reminds you that all those SRK-Karan Johar movies you made fun of were, in comparison, pretty awesome. I mean, you could laugh with/at Kuch Kuch Hota Hai despite the irritating and heavily flawed system upon which it was based.
Let's hope the new year will have fewer bad movies that are so hyped.